Musings: Abusive Relationships
So I've been thinking the past couple days about patterns and cycles.
For those of you who know me well enough, you already know I was in an abusive marriage. It seemed like a never-ending cycle that I thought I would never get out of. Five years of the building tension phase, the violent/active phase, and the honeymoon phase over and over again. I know many women who have been in similar relationships. I also know some men, too. Which made me wonder, where does a man get help when he's going through the cycle?
I've had two abusive relationships, one in high school and my husband. I remember being at a dance with that bf I had in high school. My good friend Rox introduced me to a friend of hers who I'll call W. We hit it off right off the bat, he was funny and charming. Anyway, this bf of mine had thrown a big fit over some stupid thing that I can't even remember now and stormed off outside the building. I remember W, who I just met that night and who had witnessed everything, came over and said to me, "Look, I don't know you but you seem like a very nice person so I want to tell you something.....don't chase after him, whatever you do. Please don't chase after him or you will always be chasing after him and you're better than that." Well, I didn't listen to him and did chase after him, and I chased after him for maybe another year after that. W and I remained good friends throughout that time, he even teased me about chasing after him like he told me not to. My fondest memories of him are after a night of dancing at the bar, hanging out at Boston Pizza or Humpty's (like Denny's) and talking and laughing all night. I had a lot of fun with him. Well, after I got married, I moved from Regina to Calgary so I lost touch with a lot of my friends. I was shopping one afternoon in Calgary and bumped into W, it was great to see him again. He introduced me to his girlfriend and we exchanged numbers, but we didn't really keep in touch. One day, I got a phone call from W, it was a few years after I had bumped into him. He had married that girl but was having some trouble. He told me he was staying with his parents after she threatened him with a knife and was physically abusive to him. So you think, well he's a guy, he could have just pushed her off or whatever. Not W, he was raised in a very traditional Chinese family and he's always been very respectful to women and would never hit anybody. He told me about some of the things going on in the relationship and they seemed similar to mine. He was staying with his parents and told me to make sure I let them know who I was when I called, since his family was hiding him from her. After a few days, I was worried about him and wanted to see how he was doing. I went to his family's store where I thought he might be. He was there, with his wife, they had gotten back together and she was so nice and polite to me. He told me he would get in touch with me. That was the last time I saw or heard from him. That was 6 years ago.
Every once in awhile I think about him and wonder if he's ok. It's well documented that abused partners end up leaving several times before finally making a clean break. I left my ex husband 6 times, two of those being in a shelter, the other times staying with my parents. The thing that got me worried was that after awhile, understandably, the family of the abused person will get tired of helping them and wonder why they keep going back. Sometimes they'll even cut off communication with the abused when they go back out of exasperation. I worry about what would happen if his family got tired of helping him. I hadn't talked to him in 3 years before he called me to tell me about the knife incident, so it didn't seem like he had a lot of friends to turn to. Isolation is a big part of the abuse cycle, so you become more dependent on the abuser. Women have first and second stage shelters when they don't have anywhere else to go, but what happens to the men who are being abused?
I hope wherever he is that he's happy and managed to break free from the cycle. Miss you, W.
For those of you who know me well enough, you already know I was in an abusive marriage. It seemed like a never-ending cycle that I thought I would never get out of. Five years of the building tension phase, the violent/active phase, and the honeymoon phase over and over again. I know many women who have been in similar relationships. I also know some men, too. Which made me wonder, where does a man get help when he's going through the cycle?
I've had two abusive relationships, one in high school and my husband. I remember being at a dance with that bf I had in high school. My good friend Rox introduced me to a friend of hers who I'll call W. We hit it off right off the bat, he was funny and charming. Anyway, this bf of mine had thrown a big fit over some stupid thing that I can't even remember now and stormed off outside the building. I remember W, who I just met that night and who had witnessed everything, came over and said to me, "Look, I don't know you but you seem like a very nice person so I want to tell you something.....don't chase after him, whatever you do. Please don't chase after him or you will always be chasing after him and you're better than that." Well, I didn't listen to him and did chase after him, and I chased after him for maybe another year after that. W and I remained good friends throughout that time, he even teased me about chasing after him like he told me not to. My fondest memories of him are after a night of dancing at the bar, hanging out at Boston Pizza or Humpty's (like Denny's) and talking and laughing all night. I had a lot of fun with him. Well, after I got married, I moved from Regina to Calgary so I lost touch with a lot of my friends. I was shopping one afternoon in Calgary and bumped into W, it was great to see him again. He introduced me to his girlfriend and we exchanged numbers, but we didn't really keep in touch. One day, I got a phone call from W, it was a few years after I had bumped into him. He had married that girl but was having some trouble. He told me he was staying with his parents after she threatened him with a knife and was physically abusive to him. So you think, well he's a guy, he could have just pushed her off or whatever. Not W, he was raised in a very traditional Chinese family and he's always been very respectful to women and would never hit anybody. He told me about some of the things going on in the relationship and they seemed similar to mine. He was staying with his parents and told me to make sure I let them know who I was when I called, since his family was hiding him from her. After a few days, I was worried about him and wanted to see how he was doing. I went to his family's store where I thought he might be. He was there, with his wife, they had gotten back together and she was so nice and polite to me. He told me he would get in touch with me. That was the last time I saw or heard from him. That was 6 years ago.
Every once in awhile I think about him and wonder if he's ok. It's well documented that abused partners end up leaving several times before finally making a clean break. I left my ex husband 6 times, two of those being in a shelter, the other times staying with my parents. The thing that got me worried was that after awhile, understandably, the family of the abused person will get tired of helping them and wonder why they keep going back. Sometimes they'll even cut off communication with the abused when they go back out of exasperation. I worry about what would happen if his family got tired of helping him. I hadn't talked to him in 3 years before he called me to tell me about the knife incident, so it didn't seem like he had a lot of friends to turn to. Isolation is a big part of the abuse cycle, so you become more dependent on the abuser. Women have first and second stage shelters when they don't have anywhere else to go, but what happens to the men who are being abused?
I hope wherever he is that he's happy and managed to break free from the cycle. Miss you, W.
posted by trudyrox at 4:17 PM
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