Musings: Relationships
Well, two more days til my boy comes home. He's been gone a month and I miss him so much. It's way too quiet with him gone. But, I know he's been having a good time.
So I was thinking tonight about relationships and being alone. I think I've become too good at self-preservation. I was thinking tonight about why I don't have more people to do things with. I've kind of drifted away from the friends I've made since I left my husband. I've broken off three friendships because I made them when I was unhealthy. I feel kind of bad because one of my female friends kept calling and calling to get together but I never returned her phone calls. I had a lot of fun in the beginning, but after awhile I realized that all we did was get drunk and/or high. Every Saturday when I had my own time, I'd go over there. I kind of got tired of doing the same thing and there comes a point when you just want to be clear in your mind. My wild times were over 8 years ago before the kids came. I didn't want to be out of control anymore. I kind of like being in control. Not having to wonder what I did the night before or saying and doing things I would regret the next day. Same goes for another friend of mine that I stopped seeing. He was fun at first, but all he wanted to do was get stoned. I still enjoy some herb now and then, but it's a lot less frequent than it used to be and it's always in a small amount, and maybe once or twice a year, I'll enjoy two to three beers and still be in bed around midnight. I guess what I'm saying is at the time I made these friends, I was in a different place mentally and emotionally.
My ex-husband asked me why I didn't meet someone at school to date. But, I'm 32 and everybody else in my classes is 19-24 years old. Some of them still live with mommy and daddy and I can't really relate to them. I get along with the people I've worked on projects with, but when I'm in the equipment room waiting to order or pick up equipment, I overhear conversations from other people in my classes about how hungover they are on a Thursday morning. I'm in a totally different place than most all of them. I know I could meet more people if I tried, but I guess I've convinced myself I'm too busy. Maybe I'm trying not to meet anybody because I don't want to get hurt again, maybe I'm just too used to isolating myself.
I knew when I left my ex-husband that guys weren't going to be a priority for awhile. I knew my self-esteem was shot and that if I did meet anybody, he was gonna end up to be just like my ex but with a different name because I had to repair the damage to myself first. I watched a lot of girls in the shelter meet a guy right after and get excited thinking, "ok, that guy was the jerk, this guy is the real Prince Charming". When in reality, he doesn't exist. As long as you still see yourself as a victim, you are giving up your control to someone else. If you don't see the part you played, you will be doomed to repeat it until you learn how to do it differently. You need time to heal yourself and have to re-learn what a healthy relationship is. Because if you don't pick up your self-esteem from the gutter, you will settle for what you think you deserve.
Not only that, but the bigger priority has been the kids. I needed to be healthy for them to be a good mother. That has been the driving force the last four years since the split. Plus, I didn't want to bring men in and out of their lives. After our separation, my ex started sleeping with all these girls in our city that he met in an internet chatroom. One of the girls asked me why I didn't become a slut like him. I said because as low as my self-esteem is right now, it's not as low as his. I don't need the sexual validation to prove my self worth. That and someone needs to be healthy for the kids, and it ain't gonna be him. The kids can at least have faith that one of their parents is stable and it just so happens to be the one raising them. I encourage them to love their father, but I've made no secret to them, mostly my boy, that we can love him but we can't make him grow up. You can love him, but you don't have to follow in his footsteps. I've been pretty honest with my son about his father's actions and why he does what he does. He's gonna be turning 8 next month and already knows that sometimes even though a person may be an adult, it doesn't make them a grown up. You have to be accountable and responsible for your actions. He loves his father, but knows that his father doesn't always do what he says he's gonna do and that sometimes, he shouldn't do the things he does. My boy will tell me things sometimes like, "you're the best mom in the world" or "i love you more than infinity times two". But the best compliment he ever gave me was when he said to me, "Thanks, Mom, I knew I could count on you." That makes me feel so good.
More ramblings to come.....
So I was thinking tonight about relationships and being alone. I think I've become too good at self-preservation. I was thinking tonight about why I don't have more people to do things with. I've kind of drifted away from the friends I've made since I left my husband. I've broken off three friendships because I made them when I was unhealthy. I feel kind of bad because one of my female friends kept calling and calling to get together but I never returned her phone calls. I had a lot of fun in the beginning, but after awhile I realized that all we did was get drunk and/or high. Every Saturday when I had my own time, I'd go over there. I kind of got tired of doing the same thing and there comes a point when you just want to be clear in your mind. My wild times were over 8 years ago before the kids came. I didn't want to be out of control anymore. I kind of like being in control. Not having to wonder what I did the night before or saying and doing things I would regret the next day. Same goes for another friend of mine that I stopped seeing. He was fun at first, but all he wanted to do was get stoned. I still enjoy some herb now and then, but it's a lot less frequent than it used to be and it's always in a small amount, and maybe once or twice a year, I'll enjoy two to three beers and still be in bed around midnight. I guess what I'm saying is at the time I made these friends, I was in a different place mentally and emotionally.
My ex-husband asked me why I didn't meet someone at school to date. But, I'm 32 and everybody else in my classes is 19-24 years old. Some of them still live with mommy and daddy and I can't really relate to them. I get along with the people I've worked on projects with, but when I'm in the equipment room waiting to order or pick up equipment, I overhear conversations from other people in my classes about how hungover they are on a Thursday morning. I'm in a totally different place than most all of them. I know I could meet more people if I tried, but I guess I've convinced myself I'm too busy. Maybe I'm trying not to meet anybody because I don't want to get hurt again, maybe I'm just too used to isolating myself.
I knew when I left my ex-husband that guys weren't going to be a priority for awhile. I knew my self-esteem was shot and that if I did meet anybody, he was gonna end up to be just like my ex but with a different name because I had to repair the damage to myself first. I watched a lot of girls in the shelter meet a guy right after and get excited thinking, "ok, that guy was the jerk, this guy is the real Prince Charming". When in reality, he doesn't exist. As long as you still see yourself as a victim, you are giving up your control to someone else. If you don't see the part you played, you will be doomed to repeat it until you learn how to do it differently. You need time to heal yourself and have to re-learn what a healthy relationship is. Because if you don't pick up your self-esteem from the gutter, you will settle for what you think you deserve.
Not only that, but the bigger priority has been the kids. I needed to be healthy for them to be a good mother. That has been the driving force the last four years since the split. Plus, I didn't want to bring men in and out of their lives. After our separation, my ex started sleeping with all these girls in our city that he met in an internet chatroom. One of the girls asked me why I didn't become a slut like him. I said because as low as my self-esteem is right now, it's not as low as his. I don't need the sexual validation to prove my self worth. That and someone needs to be healthy for the kids, and it ain't gonna be him. The kids can at least have faith that one of their parents is stable and it just so happens to be the one raising them. I encourage them to love their father, but I've made no secret to them, mostly my boy, that we can love him but we can't make him grow up. You can love him, but you don't have to follow in his footsteps. I've been pretty honest with my son about his father's actions and why he does what he does. He's gonna be turning 8 next month and already knows that sometimes even though a person may be an adult, it doesn't make them a grown up. You have to be accountable and responsible for your actions. He loves his father, but knows that his father doesn't always do what he says he's gonna do and that sometimes, he shouldn't do the things he does. My boy will tell me things sometimes like, "you're the best mom in the world" or "i love you more than infinity times two". But the best compliment he ever gave me was when he said to me, "Thanks, Mom, I knew I could count on you." That makes me feel so good.
More ramblings to come.....
posted by trudyrox at 1:22 AM
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