Musings: The Making of D.E.B.S.

Shout out to John who emailed me today about my blog. Thanks for the feedback. I didn't know anybody was even reading it. lol. I more or less started it to get some things off my chest and keep my writing mojo going during the summer til school started again. One and a half more weeks til I start back. Can't wait.....I'm soooooooo bored.

So my big dilemma today is that my boy is changing schools and he's not happy about it. I feel so bad because he wants to go to his old school and start this fall with all his friends, but I want him to go near us now for a variety of reasons. He went to the school near the university because my boy and girl were both at the university daycare and it was neccessary because they were bussed back and forth. They are done at the daycare in next week. My girl is being transported to school for her special program and we have to be here when she gets dropped off. I also want him to have more friends in our area. All his friends are on the other side of the city, so he doesn't get to see them often outside of school. He cried this morning when I told him we had to go register at his new school. I feel like crap and hopefully he'll make new friends right away. I know how hard it is to start a new school and not know anyone.


The other thing that's had me thinking is that I still haven't actually started on my script. I have a notebook and make random shot lists that come to mind. I keep thinking that I have to wait til I take the script writing class next year before I can start. I was watching D.E.B.S. again for the millionth time and was watching the "making of" special feature on the DVD. Angela Robinson, the director and writer, was saying that when she was in film school she was taking classes and writing scripts the way all the textbooks and classes tell you how to, and her DEBS comics were something she just did in her spare time for fun. She got in touch with Power Up, a program to help women in media arts and got a grant for $20, 000 to make a short film. She turned her DEBS comic into a short, 10 minute piece. Power Up helped get it screened by various places, it went to Sundance, people responded very well to it and it got to other festivals. She wrote a script for the feature and shopped it around and Clint Culpepper from Screen Gems, who saw the short, said he'd greenlight it for $2 million right then, but if she left, the offer was off the table. And so the film was made, thus creating a cult classic. She's working on the sequel right now and is hoping to get it made. I guess the moral of that story is you can follow all the different formulas and textbooks that you want to, but what it comes down to is passion for the project. I think you are the luckiest person in the world if you can do something that you enjoy in your free time and can find a way to get paid to do it.

More ramblings to come......

Musings: Guide to Self Pics on the Web

Well, it's been a whole week since my last post. Either writing is no longer a novelty or I've got a lot off my chest. That, and my boy came back early this week! I missed him so much. He said it was good to be home.

I was thinking that the internet can sometimes be a funny thing. It's one of the only places you meet people where the first impression is not based on your physical appearance. It is so anonymous at the same time. You never really know who's behind the keyboard. Which makes it so easy to be mean to someone without feeling guilty. I like cruising the boards at imdb, whenever I have a question about a movie I've seen (I didn't get that part where he says....What was the name of the song that was playing at that part where....etc), somebody has either asked the question already and it's been discussed, or I can ask and somebody will almost always answer. However, there's so much arguing about stupid things that usually have very little to do with the movie or tv show in question. Inevitably it will denigrate into an insultfest with each person making fun of the other person's educational background, or accusing the other person of having no life or another stupid thing when they have no clue about what the person they are arguing with is really like, other than one thinks Wedding Crashers is the worst movie ever made and the other one thought it was really funny. And of course, there are the people who are obviously looking for arguments by going to numerous boards pronouncing the movie the worst ever made, or making sweeping generalized racial stereotyped statements hoping to get a rise out of someone. I don't understand. What does that accomplish?

Another thing I don't understand is why people freak out when they find out their picture is being passed around to other people. We don't walk around in life and meet people in bars, or at the store, or through friends or at work wearing a big paper bag over our head with a big, black question mark on it, holding up a sheet hiding our body so the other person doesn't see what we really look like. Then wait til after we've hung out with them for awhile and they get to know us until we're sure they really like us before we take off the bag and throw away the sheet. That doesn't happen in the real world. The three unwritten rules in regards to pictures on the internet are this:

1. Thou shalt not post or send any pictures that you aren't comfortable with the whole world seeing, because they will get passed around.

2. Thou shalt never post or send anyone a picture that is not you, because you will always, always get found out.

3. If it looks too good to be true and it's not a webcam pic, it's probably a fake or really old.

I don't know how many stories I've heard from people about meeting someone online, getting to know them, starting to really like them because you click, they see a picture of their new friend and they look good. Then when it's hot and heavy and a meeting is arranged, right before they meet the girl(sorry girls, but I've heard way more stories from guys having this happen than girls), she announces that the picture is actually 5 years old, before she gained 50lbs and stopped taking care of herself and vaguely resembles the picture. Most of the time, the guy ends up saying, if I had seen who she was first, I probably still would've been interested because she was cool. But since they lied and misrepresented themselves, they felt like they weren't able to trust them or felt that they didn't really know the person. If they lied about that, what else is true and what isn't? People are funny, sometimes.

More ramblings to come.....

Musings: Relationships

Well, two more days til my boy comes home. He's been gone a month and I miss him so much. It's way too quiet with him gone. But, I know he's been having a good time.

So I was thinking tonight about relationships and being alone. I think I've become too good at self-preservation. I was thinking tonight about why I don't have more people to do things with. I've kind of drifted away from the friends I've made since I left my husband. I've broken off three friendships because I made them when I was unhealthy. I feel kind of bad because one of my female friends kept calling and calling to get together but I never returned her phone calls. I had a lot of fun in the beginning, but after awhile I realized that all we did was get drunk and/or high. Every Saturday when I had my own time, I'd go over there. I kind of got tired of doing the same thing and there comes a point when you just want to be clear in your mind. My wild times were over 8 years ago before the kids came. I didn't want to be out of control anymore. I kind of like being in control. Not having to wonder what I did the night before or saying and doing things I would regret the next day. Same goes for another friend of mine that I stopped seeing. He was fun at first, but all he wanted to do was get stoned. I still enjoy some herb now and then, but it's a lot less frequent than it used to be and it's always in a small amount, and maybe once or twice a year, I'll enjoy two to three beers and still be in bed around midnight. I guess what I'm saying is at the time I made these friends, I was in a different place mentally and emotionally.

My ex-husband asked me why I didn't meet someone at school to date. But, I'm 32 and everybody else in my classes is 19-24 years old. Some of them still live with mommy and daddy and I can't really relate to them. I get along with the people I've worked on projects with, but when I'm in the equipment room waiting to order or pick up equipment, I overhear conversations from other people in my classes about how hungover they are on a Thursday morning. I'm in a totally different place than most all of them. I know I could meet more people if I tried, but I guess I've convinced myself I'm too busy. Maybe I'm trying not to meet anybody because I don't want to get hurt again, maybe I'm just too used to isolating myself.

I knew when I left my ex-husband that guys weren't going to be a priority for awhile. I knew my self-esteem was shot and that if I did meet anybody, he was gonna end up to be just like my ex but with a different name because I had to repair the damage to myself first. I watched a lot of girls in the shelter meet a guy right after and get excited thinking, "ok, that guy was the jerk, this guy is the real Prince Charming". When in reality, he doesn't exist. As long as you still see yourself as a victim, you are giving up your control to someone else. If you don't see the part you played, you will be doomed to repeat it until you learn how to do it differently. You need time to heal yourself and have to re-learn what a healthy relationship is. Because if you don't pick up your self-esteem from the gutter, you will settle for what you think you deserve.

Not only that, but the bigger priority has been the kids. I needed to be healthy for them to be a good mother. That has been the driving force the last four years since the split. Plus, I didn't want to bring men in and out of their lives. After our separation, my ex started sleeping with all these girls in our city that he met in an internet chatroom. One of the girls asked me why I didn't become a slut like him. I said because as low as my self-esteem is right now, it's not as low as his. I don't need the sexual validation to prove my self worth. That and someone needs to be healthy for the kids, and it ain't gonna be him. The kids can at least have faith that one of their parents is stable and it just so happens to be the one raising them. I encourage them to love their father, but I've made no secret to them, mostly my boy, that we can love him but we can't make him grow up. You can love him, but you don't have to follow in his footsteps. I've been pretty honest with my son about his father's actions and why he does what he does. He's gonna be turning 8 next month and already knows that sometimes even though a person may be an adult, it doesn't make them a grown up. You have to be accountable and responsible for your actions. He loves his father, but knows that his father doesn't always do what he says he's gonna do and that sometimes, he shouldn't do the things he does. My boy will tell me things sometimes like, "you're the best mom in the world" or "i love you more than infinity times two". But the best compliment he ever gave me was when he said to me, "Thanks, Mom, I knew I could count on you." That makes me feel so good.

More ramblings to come.....

Musings: Bored out of My Skull

I'm trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me by having the summer off.

I've had a lot of time to think about stuff. Maybe too much time. I've seen a lot of movies. Done some writing. But I wish I had some camera equipment. I could have worked on a project.

I did assign myself a project and if you are still reading this by the end.....then I'd worry about you, too. My life is not that exciting right now. I'm working on a collage for one wall in my room. I've been slowly collecting some favorite pictures of people, fashion, houses and scenery. I've broken it up into four categories, beautiful women, beautiful men, ocean and tropical scenery and interior design. I've got a quarter of it done with the beautiful women. I've got lots of Drew, some beautiful black and white shots from Vanity Fair magazine. I've got a black and white of Jayne Mansfield, and one of Elizabeth Taylor circa 1950's. Lots of Selma, some Diane Lane, a Liv, a Jordana and the most beautiful, elegant picture of Demi in the new Versace campaign. I've got some Queen Latifah, a Missy, some Oprah, Halle, Gabrielle Union, Ellen, the cast of Sex and the City and the best picture of Mia Hamm in mid air about to wail on a soccer ball. You can't just be beautiful to get on my wall, I have to admire you for your strength and think you're really cool. I know it doesn't sound like anything ground-breaking or overly exciting. But I feel good creating something for my room that I can feel inspired by while I lay in bed staring at the wall, willing the coffee maker to start on its own. I felt like I needed to change some things. Why not start in the house? I'm also working on the basement. Creating a space for the kids so that they have "stations" to play at and use their imaginations instead of watching tv or playing video games. Luckily my boy doesn't play that often, but when he does, he can be playing for hours if I let him. I have so far this summer donated 21 bags of clothes. Oi. And I still have about four boxes of toys and a box of dishes to go. But I have more room and know where everything is now. God, I need a life.

More exciting things to come......

Musings: March of the Penguins

So my big dilemma today was, Dukes of Hazzard or March of the Penguins? The girl at the ticket counter wasn't much help, so I decided to go with the Penguins. Plus, according to Ebert, the car was the best actor in the Dukes of Hazzard.

I couldn't get totally lost in the movie, but I haven't really seen one yet this summer that could totally captivate me and make me forget where I am. I found myself thinking too much about the process. How did they get the time lapse shots underneath the water? How did the crew handle shooting in Antarctica or the South Pole or wherever it was? Were they shooting hi def? But I did find it enjoyable and educational. I like how the one character puts it in Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, "...a documentary, so, like a movie only boring". I'm a fan of nonfiction film.

The thing I found interesting about the Penguins was the gender roles. After the male and the female penguin court and decide to mate together, they take turns playing parent. After the female produces the egg, the male takes care of it while the female goes back to the sea to eat because she's lost 1/3 of her body weight producing the egg. The male watches the egg until it hatches, looks after the penguin chick and goes without food for around 4 months until the female returns. The female then watches the chick while the male goes back to the sea to eat. They keep taking turns like that. It's so interesting that there's no question of what roles they play during the parenting, they each take turns, they know what they have to do and when the chick gets big enough to take care of itself, the family disbands. The penguin mom and dad are faithful to each other during the whole mating season. The next season, all bets are off and everybody partners up again.

What is wrong with us humans that we can't do the same thing? I mean in terms of partnering up for mating and the watching the baby? So many families these days are single parent families. I don't mind being a single parent, but what was wrong with my ex that he couldn't take responsibility? We had our son after we got married, and since we got married when I was pregnant, it wasn't that long after. We bought a house. And somewhere just after the marriage, the baby being born and the house, my ex thought, "I know, it's the perfect time to try crack". God, I wish I were kidding. Thankfully that was in their first few years so they won't ever remember the time Papa was a crackhead who was never home. I know there are many, many men who are wonderful fathers and who take responsibility as a parent and do their share of the housework, but that sure wasn't my experience. He's gotten better over the last few years. I know he loves those kids more than anything. He's just too selfish and immature to be as responsible as I'd like. I remember his last girlfriend said to me once, "I'm so jealous of you that you got the experience." I said, "What experience?" She said, "You know, the whole wedding and having the baby experience." I said, "Oh yes and what a wonderful experience it was". Suffering Post Partum Depression, being alone in a city where I didn't know anybody, wondering where my husband was and when he was coming home. I also had terrible insomnia and spent a lot of time crying. Oh ya, good times, good times.

Well, things are a lot better now. I still have periods where I feel depressed, still have periods where I cry and still have periods where I mentally beat the hell out of my ex, but I have my power back. I know that it's not just men, I know a very responsible man who is raising his three daughters alone after his wife ran off with her online lover and she doesn't have much contact with her daughters. I just wonder sometimes why it's so hard for some parents to be responsible these days for the good of their children. Many do, I know, but there are more and more families struggling nowadays than there used to be. Why can't we be more like the penguins? Minus the whole Antarctic thing.

More ramblings to come.....

Movie Quote of the Day: L.A. Story

Can't think of anything really pressing to talk about today.

I'll just share a line from one of my favourite movies of all time, L.A. Story. I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it. Very well-written. Harris, the Steve Martin character, says, "There's someone out there for everyone. Even if you need a pickaxe, a compass and night goggles to find them."

Til next time......

Musings: Under the Tuscan Sun

So I rented Under the Tuscan Sun this weekend and I'm really enjoying it. It's refreshing to see mature people with lines on their faces live and enjoy their experiences. By the way, if you haven't seen it and maybe want to, please be warned there are spoilers for the movie ahead.

I love how it's not what's normally expected, each time you meet a man, you think this is the love interest and he's not. Someone points out to her that she's found the life she was looking for, and she didn't have a love interest at that point, even though she wanted one. I love that.

Sometimes I think people often come together because they are both lonely. They bond over the fact that they are both lonely and believe they will always be lonely and miserable. So they make an unspoken pact to keep each other company while they are alone. "Let's be lonely and miserable together." But is that really healthy? I think it would be healthier if we made our lives complete and accomplished everything we want to before we bring anybody else in. That's one of the things I really liked about this movie. She bought a house, wanted someone to cook for, wanted a family in the house, wanted a wedding in the house, but she thought she had to have a man be there for all those things. I thought it was great that she got all those things without the man and that it wasn't quite what she planned. Maybe it wasn't her wedding, or her baby, but she made her own family and was happy with it. She made peace with herself and found happiness. If only we could all be so smart.

There's also a story in there that Martini, an Italian gentleman, tells Frances, the main character, after she tells him of all the things she wishes to happen to her in her house. "Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come. "

More ramblings to come......

Musings: Must Love Dogs

So I just got back from the movies. And I went to see Must Love Dogs.

I know you must be wondering, if you are going through a breakup, why all the romantic comedies? Why not movies where happy, horny teenage couples get sliced up by some chainsaw/machete/ice pick-wielding maniac? Because I'm enjoying bitterly watching these romantic comedies, rolling my eyes and laughing at them. Serendipity was too far fetched for me, I saw The Wedding Date yesterday and felt the same thing. I really like Dermot Mulroney and Debra Messing, but watching it I felt like I went to the bathroom for too long. They're in love? Huh?? Did I miss something? He said he hated anchovies and she's stepping on his toes while they're dancing, they have drunken sex and now they're in love.....right. I laughed my ass off watching The Notebook because I knew what was going to happen and found it to be too far fetched, too.

By the way, I'm not insinuating I have greater taste in movies than anybody else. As a matter of fact, some of my favorite movies aren't critical or box office successes, but I like what I like. Anyhoo, I really liked this movie. It wasn't as predictable as a lot of the other romantic comedies I've seen lately. It wasn't straightforward, people lied about themselves on their internet dating ads, they didn't know as soon as they met that they were meant to be. The male character doesn't think she's perfect, as a matter of fact he says to his friend, "she's self-conscious, insecure, she has no idea how beautiful she is.....she's a mess and I love it." There were other people they were attracted to and other complications, you'll have to see it to see what I mean. Of course there were parts that bothered me, too. The way she and her family acted as if she was some crazy spinster cat lady because she's been single for 8 months (8 months?? try 4 years, lady). I actually cringed when she said to the dog, "I think he might be 'the one' ". The one? The one and only, if you let him get away you are sh*t out of luck for the rest of your life 'one'? Other than that, I found it very enjoyable.

There's a part and I can't give you the exact quote, but John Cusack's character said some interesting things. They both are out of bad break ups and he theorizes that we have to break our hearts in order for them to grow bigger. That all the pain and hurt will pay off sometime in the future. I sure as hell hope so.

More ramblings to come....

Musings: Storytelling

Woo. Another day gone.

So I can't wait for school to start again. I need to put my creativity to use. I'm starting to get bored without a project to work on.

One of the reasons I love movies is because it's storytelling. Storytelling in itself is an art, not just the technical/aesthetic art of filmmaking. Film is storytelling in pretty lights. I told my son that "photography is great art for people who can't draw worth a crap". Now before any photographers take offense to this, let me clarify. I love photography and I can't draw worth a crap. I'm sure there are some who can do both, but I've always been jealous of artists. I always felt so creative, but growing up I couldn't draw, paint, sculpt, play any musical instruments, or sing. I could dance and write a little, but I hadn't found a way to really channel my creativity into something.

Storytelling is also a tradition in my culture. One reason why I want to make films is because I feel that there is a point of view that you don't see very often in mainstream entertainment. That is mine, being an aboriginal woman who has had some of the life experiences I've had. I feel there are so many stories to be told that don't have a voice right now. I'd like to faciliate those voices.

I was adopted when I was a baby by a white family. I grew up in rural southwestern Saskatchewan, where it's all white farmers. I didn't grow up around any of my people. When we moved into the city, we lived in white neighborhoods and went to white schools. So I grew up isolated from my culture. I don't blame my parents for that at all because they didn't know about my culture either, and I couldn't have asked for better parents. My mother encouraged me by showing me newspaper articles about successful native women and saying you could do that, too. She also encouraged me to attend University through the Indian Federated College. I'm so glad I did. The cool thing is that it's not just other native students, anybody can register through the college. The even cooler thing is that you can take English classes and read literature, plays and poetry from other native writers instead of the dead, white European dudes. Not that there's anything wrong with the dead, white European dudes, but generally people grow up saturated with that. I took Cree as my second language instead of French or German like my friends who went through the U of R. But the coolest thing, was that I got to know other Indian people. And what I found out was, I was not the only one who felt disconnected from my culture. Some other friends I met through school had grown up in native families and felt like they didn't know much about their own culture, either. I was not alone!

In my interview to get into the film program with the committee of film profs, I told them that I wanted to show a perspective that I don't see in entertainment today. Mine. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a lot of movies and tv shows that are out there today, but I feel that it's important to get a voice out there. For one thing, because it's important to educate people on what we are really like. For those of you who aren't familiar with my neck of the woods, or the situation in Canada, unfortunately there is a lot of racism towards Native Americans. This is something I'd like to change. Growing up around mainly white people, I've heard all the nasty stereotypes and misconceptions and they are so deeply ingrained. Another reason is to show people that they are ok the way they are. Nothing is wrong with you because you don't look like anybody on Friends. It's ok that you have trouble paying your bills and it's ok that you're a single mother and you sometimes have crappy taste in men. There are other people like you!

We can be proud of who we are even if it's not up there on the silver screen or the small screen, but it helps to see other people doing what you're doing. It keeps you going.

Til next time......